Stephanie (drucat) wrote in thyca,

I know I sound insane but

I got diagnosed with Hashimoto's in October. The same day my endocrinologist started me on Synthroid I got a call that the FNA had come back with what looked like papillary cancer. Since then I've been absolutely frozen. I accidentally missed my second appointment with my endocrinologist because I forgot about it, I haven't called for the results of my second opinion (my tumor is palpable and 3 cm x 2.5 cm x 2.4 cm, so I don't think there's any way they're going to turn around and say, "just kidding, it's benign" - especially since it appeared so quickly and the Synthroid has resulted in a decrease in the overall inflammation of my thyroid gland but I can still feel the place where the tumor is). I just don't want to give up my thyroid gland, and I don't want to have radioactive iodine and risk getting another type of cancer that might be worse as a result. Surgery increases the chances of metastasis, and metastatic tumors are always worse than primary tumors. I know that all of that's moot if I don't get rid of the primary tumor, but I just can't make a move. I start to hyperventilate whenever I think about picking up the phone, and I lost the orders for my neck sonogram to see if it's spread to my lymph nodes. Also my COBRA runs out in a little more than two months.
I know this is the "best" cancer to have. I feel stupid even talking about having cancer because the cure rate is so high. I just don't want to be unable to survive without pills for the rest of my life (and yes, I know I'd be on pills for the Hashimoto's anyway) and I can't think when I'm hyper- or hypothyroid and basically failed out of college due to the undiagnosed Hashimoto's (combined with some other factors and bad luck and other bullshit). I know I'm being a complete idiot. I just don't really trust current conventional medicine to know the best way to deal with cancer because I know of all the different things that have turned out to be huge mistakes in the history of medicine and because I'm just skeptical of pretty much everything right now. I know I'm lucky to even have the luxury of being able to delay for as long as I have without seriously risking my life, and I know I can't delay forever, but I can't feel okay about this.
Has anyone else been this petrified, not of the cancer, but of the treatment? Had anyone declined radioactive iodine treatment? Does anyone have the cancer who hasn't had surgery yet? I know I'm being a complete idiot. I just don't know how to get myself through this. My mother died two years ago and I still haven't gotten over it; we were very close and my relationships with my father and sister basically range from nonexistant to hostile. Even if I had surgery tomorrow my insurance would run out before it was time for the radioactive iodine treatment. Obviously I don't plan to have a break in coverage, because right now HIPAA protects me to a certain extent, but I will never have insurance that's as good as what I have right now.
When I think about it too much or talk about it (or write as much as I have right now) I just start crying and freaking out. I'm 28. I've been a vegetarian since I was 10. I don't drink caffeine and almost never drink soda (none since I was diagnosed). I eat frozen meals but I'm talking about Amy's brand, not super processed crap. I get organic foods. I exercise. I tried to get an endocrinologist to pay any attention at all to my symptoms a full year before this and they wouldn't even look at my test results. First they said nothing was wrong with me, then they said I had PCOS, then they said that if I had anything else they would be able to tell by looking at me. Even my current doctors say I've always been euthyroid despite having had almost no thyroid tests and really really clear symptoms of hashitoxicosis (low grade fever when i usually run from 96 degrees when i wake up to 97 for most of the day to 98 before bed, and *maybe* hit 99 if I have an active infection, resting pulse rates over 100 and up to 120 when at home watching tv (hadn't moved in half an hour) and 134 when taken at the hospital when I finally called my insurance company and they told me to go to the ER - my usual is in the 70s, hypertension (134/90 at the hospital - it's usually 110ish/70ish), and tremors in my hands that were so bad I couldn't write or type without double-tapping keys and having my hand jerk in the middle of words so that my writing was barely legible. Also 3-4 panic attacks per day - but none when I was at the hospital - of course the doctors have claimed it was a panic attack, but the ER doctors could tell it wasn't one, because I was entirely calm, and I could tell it wasn't one because I've had them - ranging from limited-symptom through to debilitating - and this just wasn't one. I feel like all the symptoms I've ever had of anything physical have been written off as psychological.
Just wondering if anyone else has been in anything like my position mentally or actually before. Everyone I know on thyroid medications still has symptoms - some of them claimed they didn't and then when I gave them a list of symptoms it turned out they were having lots of them.
I just can't handle this at all.
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